Friday, September 25, 2009

Back to normal? Hardly!

It’s been an up-and-down kind of day for me. I did good for the most part, but I had my moments. I still haven’t fully accepted everything so I find myself studying the u/s picture searching for anything that remotely resembles a second baby. It’s not there, and it never will be. The pain of that reality still stings. Bad. I used to be a mother-of-multiples, now I'm not. How do I acknowledge this baby without acknowledging the other?

With my last miscarriage I questioned everything: what did I do, how could I have prevented it, why did this happen. With this one, I am not questioning anything with the exception of one thing: I just want to know what went wrong. When I found out about the twins, both babies had good, strong heartbeats. The doctors never informed me of this “Vanishing Twin Syndrome” since both babies seemed to be doing well. A viable heartbeat reduced the risk of miscarriage (or VTS) to less than 1 percent. I know I will never know until I get to heaven and can see and hold my children again, but until then, that will be the question that haunts my thoughts when I least expect it, and it is that very question that causes me to give in to my grief. Thinking back to that day when I had the first u/s and seeing/hearing both babies’ heartbeats on the screen was the most thrilling sound in my life and it filled me with pure joy (and a tinge of panic at the thought of having 2!) It is in that memory that I mourn the loss of life that once was and rejoice in the life that still is. It is a constant battle of emotions, grief and joy, difficult to explain.

On a different note, we decided to sell our house. We have been debating on whether or not to do so, but we finally reached a decision last weekend. We have already begun searching for a bigger house, and I will admit, I am very happy. This house holds so many memories, good and bad. A new house (not new, just different) will sort of be like a “fresh start” for our family, or at least for me. TJ has been working on finishing the final details on some projects around here and we hope to list ours in the next week or so. Pray it sells quickly and that we are able to find the perfect house to meet our needs. We are going to look at some houses tomorrow evening and even the kids are so excited! T.G. has requested we buy a pink house, while Ta prefers green. I like that they are open to the idea of moving even though this house has been the only one they’ve ever known. In October we will celebrate our 6th anniversary of living here. It’s been good to us in many ways, but it’s time to move on. Plus, we need more space! :)

*I am thankful for God's truths. Phil. 4:4

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