Monday, February 13, 2012

{Struggles}

I am writing this post because I hope it will encourage others. To be quite honest, I am about to reveal some of my innermost thoughts and feelings that I have been struggling with. I only recently shared them with TJ because of the shame I felt about having them, but my heart was hurting and I didn't like keeping them from him.

I thought I was "over" my grief about losing the twin and accepted God's plan for my life, but upon finding out an acquaintance was pregnant with twins, my grief returned in full force. Instead of feeling joy for her, I was crying for myself. I found myself watching Annie, studying her and imagining what my life would be like if there were two of her running around. And the more I thought of this life, the angrier with God I became for not allowing me to have it. The anger grew into bitterness, and before I knew it, I found myself with my back turned to Him, not wanting to even consider His way for my life. I was no longer reading my bible, doing devotions, or even wanting to pray. I was simply going to church and pretending I was okay, even though my heart was anything but.

I am still finding it difficult to accept not having twins, and often question "Why?", but I confessed my sins of anger, bitterness, and doubting God's goodness. I am reading through the Psalms, praying David's many prayers and pleading for the Lord to give me His mind. I know the simple answer is to stop focussing on myself and my situation and instead focus on the Lord, but you know what, that isn't always easy to do. My heart really hurts just as much now as it did then.

As He did a few months ago, the Lord is using others to encourage me. I heard a message by a man whose wife passed away from cancer in Sept. 2010. He shared how the Lord used Psalm 139 and Jer. 29:11 to help his hurting heart, and it was a reminder to me the God truly does have my best interest at heart. As the Jeremiah verse states, God is thinking thoughts of peace [for me and about me]. As the truth of that verse registered in my mind, I immedidiately teared up...tears of relief, tears of conviction because of my doubt, and tears of joy that God is patient and won't give up on me, even though I had given up on Him.

I am still working to sort out my feelings, and I know it begins with my thoughts. I have resolved to read my bible and counter the negative thoughts with truth from Scripture, especially Psa. 139, Isa. 61:1-3, and Jer. 29:11. Please pray for me as I continue to walk through this valley. I know that the Lord can use my pain for good, but it's a process and I'm not there yet.

Lamentations 3:23 says God's mercies are new every day, and for that I am thankful!