Friday, September 5, 2008

Stressed, overwhelmed, and emotional. . .

are probably the best words to describe how I am feeling lately. In all honesty, I have never felt any of these emotions to the extent that I have been feeling since yesterday. Balancing my home life and school has always been challenging, but never like this. I am second-guessing myself in every decision I make, taking me on even more of an emotional roller coaster. For instance, I needed to clean the house as I haven’t done it in 2 weeks. I decided to begin last night, and I finished up this morning. I worked my behind off to get almost everything clean. But, because of my decision to clean, I put off doing my school work until this afternoon. I regret that decision now.

I spent the afternoon trying to figure out where to begin, and with each assignment I started, I can’t finish because I either need more information from my students or from my teacher. Plus I received an email today informing me that I have less than 2 weeks to prepare and teach my students a 30-45 minute lesson. Not only that, but I am going to be observed and graded on how well I do. No problem, except that I have other assessments/lessons/parent interviews/student evaluations I have to complete in the same time frame. On top of all that, at some point I will have to spend time away from school in the hospital delivering a baby. I am trying to get ahead so that when delivery day comes, I won’t feel so overwhelmed. My plan is not working so great!

This semester I just can’t seem to balance my duties as a wife, mom, and student like I have in the past, and that is where the emotional part comes in. I feel like since I can’t find that balance, everything is suffering, and it makes me cry. I hate feeling like a bad mom, a bad wife, and a bad student, but nothing I do seems to make things better. I tried to convey some of these feelings to TJ, but he doesn’t fully understand because he’s never been in my shoes before; I’ve never been in these shoes before, and they are very lonely shoes. I didn’t know it was going to be so hard. I don’t know if it’s because I am taking more classes or if the fact that, in past semesters, I always had at least 2 ½ hours of uninterrupted time to study while the kids were in preschool. This semester, that’s not the case. They are in preschool but I always have at least one child home with me, which is why I decided to clean this morning rather than do school assignments (I am the type of person who needs absolute SILENCE to concentrate. I am easily distracted by noise, so even the sound of a child quietly playing keeps my focus off my schoolwork. I have to read and re-read in order to comprehend something when I am distracted.) Also, by having at least one child in tow, it makes it difficult for me to go to school to work on assignments. I have copies that I need to make and stuff I need to print, but I can’t show up in the computer lab with my kids- it’s just not good etiquette! I have an assignment due by 5pm Thursday where I have to design a bulletin board related to health education. I was hoping to go do that this afternoon but for various reasons, it didn’t work out. I was able to purchase some of the supplies that I need for it this evening, but how am I going to show up in a classroom with a 22-month-old to put up the bulletin board? I can’t! My only option is to stay after my class on Monday night to do it, but it stinks because I don’t get out of class until 8pm and where my bulletin board is being displayed is on the other side of campus.

The only comfort I have in all of this is that it is temporary- 1 semester. By the grace of God, I just need to get through this 1 semester. . . That is my prayer, and has been for the past couple of days.