Tuesday, September 29, 2009

It still hurts

My heart is still hurting, a combination of our loss and the pain I see in my children, especially Th. He is my child who is very compassionate and tender-hearted and has taken the news harder than the others. I think it's because he's older and he understands more, and truthfully TJ and I underestimated his level of maturity and understanding. He teared up when we told the kids, but he was able to keep his composure and not let loose. But, he did immediately ask about the health and well-being of the other baby and wanted to know, "What if the other baby dies, too?" That took me by surprise as I was not prepared for that question. TJ handled it well and simply said, "Then we won't have any new babies and it will live with Jesus, too." But, I know the thought is weighing on his mind as his teacher told me last night on the phone that he told her what happened. I hate that he has become distracted by this news; I don't want the kids to worry so I am trying my best to be an example, fully trusting in God's goodness throughout this entire situation.

I went to church on Sunday and it was very difficult. I managed to get more than half-way through the service before grief took over. I had to get up and go to the bathroom to cry. Grief comes when I least expect it and usually at the worst time. Thankfully my church family rallied around me with hugs, tears, and lots of words of support and encouragement. It prepared me to go to my sis-in-law's house later in the afternoon because there I was, just another face in the crowd. I did tear up for a few minutes as I watched a mother and her 2 twin boys, about 4 or 5 months old. It was so difficult to sit there and act happy when inside I felt like my heart was being shredded to pieces. Plus, to have family around me acting like everything was normal made my being there that much more difficult. TJ and I left shortly after that because he knew I was struggling to keep my composure.

School has been a good distraction, although I had a grief moment while in the storage room picking out googly eyes yesterday. I told you it comes at random times and moments! My kids (both at school and at home) help keep me busy enough during the day that I don't have time to give in to my feelings for the most part. I have been so tired at night that my thoughts don't keep me up, either. I am thankful for that.

I have a strong faith in God and I know He is in control of all things and all situations. I also know this did not happen as a surprise to Him; He ordained it and specifically chose me to go through this trial. Although I do not like it nor understand it, it is something I must endure in order to grow to be more like Christ. I am struggling each and every day but I know it is for my good and God's glory that this happened. I ask that you pray for our family as you think of it. Pray for the health and wellness of the living baby, and for us as we grieve the loss of a precious life. This is the second miscarriage I have had and, although it does not lessen the pain, I know I will get through it. I still cannot look at the u/s pictures without crying, knowing there were two but now only 1 remains. Also pray for my kids to not worry but rather fully trust in God's sovereignty. Pray for healing of a wounded heart and opportunities for me to show my trust and faith in the Lord to others as a result of this trial.

*Psa. 119: 68, 75-76- "You [Lord] are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees. I know, O Lord, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me. May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. "