Thursday, October 22, 2009

Ultrasound

The u/s went well this morning, although it didn't start off that way.

The technician wasn't sure if she'd be able to see all she needed to see because I am not quite 18 weeks (I will be on Saturday). But, thankfully for me, the baby is measuring a little big so she was able to get the measurements she needed. Anatomically speaking, all the critical organs are developed and functioning as they should. Also, the cord is a 3-vessel cord and the placenta is located high up. The only concern is that the baby is breech, but there is still plenty of time for it to turn itself around.

TJ and I do not know what we are having as of yet. The technician wrote it down and included pictures from the u/s and sealed them in an envelope addressed to my mom. We will find out in about a month what we are having. We are excited to be doing it this way and are looking forward to the surprise. TJ picked the girl's name, and if the baby is a girl she will be named Taylor Ann. I picked the boy's name, and if a boy, he will be named Tevyn Luke. I absolutely love the name Townsend for a boy, but TJ hated it. He at least agreed to Tevyn, which honestly surprised me.

Emotionally, so far I am okay. It was the same technician I had last month when I found out about the twin, and she reassured me that this baby is perfect (so far!) and not to worry about losing it, too. She was very compassionate and caring which helped to keep me from crying. But, she did confirm there was still only one. I knew it, but this u/s confirmed the truth of the situation: the other baby is dead to me and alive in Heaven.

I confessed my sin of unbelief to the Lord and asked His forgiveness. I need to do the same for you all, my readers. Forgive me for my public lack of faith. My mantra the past few days, as simple as it may seem, has been "God is good always." I have been thinking about and reflecting on Jer. 29:11. God has a plan for me and is in control. In some ways this u/s now allows me to put to rest the other baby. I had been holding on to hope that the first u/s was wrong; now I know it's not so. I can try my best to cherish this pregnancy and rejoice in the news of a healthy baby. I can also begin to focus on where the other baby is- with the Lord in Heaven.

Grief is a process, and I suppose can be equated to a roller coaster. I go up and down, but as long as my climb up is more than the downs, I am making progress. I have reached the acceptance part of grief, and moved past the anger. I know God did not allow this to happen out of anger or punishment; that does not characterize a loving God. God allowed this so that I would grow and change and be a better person, ultimately for my good. Some days I get it and some days I don't. But, like I said, I have more good days than bad so that is marked progress. As I wrote in a previous post, I am so thankful God is patient and willing to forgive at all times.

The key to continuing to trust in the Lord is by controlling my thoughts. Life is getting better, one thought at a time.