Friday, July 1, 2011

Not as (I) Planned

I had my regularly scheduled doctor's appointment yesterday.  Once I got called back to the room, I chatted with the doc about recent blood work and testing that was completed. We then talked about my next appointment and other testing that would be done at that time. She began the exam and as usual, listened for the baby's heartbeat using the dopplar machine.

Except this time, it was only my heartbeat that could be heard. She continued searching, moving the dopplar up, down, and around in an attempt to hear something. Nothing. For about 5 minutes this continued, and as she searched, she kept reassuring me that she'd find it. I just lay there, fighting back tears and praying that the Lord would spare me the heartache and pain of losing another baby. I was battling my thoughts while at the same time reminding myself that God is good, and what He does is good, and that this was for my good. It was a long, fearful few minutes for me.

The doc eventually gave up searching and made the decision for me to have an ultrasound. I was immediately brought back to remembering the appointment when I found out one of the twins had died, and fear took hold of my heart. I didn't want to be there alone, yet I was. I quickly sent TJ a text message to inform him of what was going on, but in my haste I sent the text to his work phone and not to his cell phone.

In the ultrasound room the technician was quiet. A smile lit up her face as she let me not only see the heartbeat, but hear it as well. I immediately began to cry as I had feared the worst, yet the Lord had answered my prayer. I quickly sent another text to TJ to let him know everything was alright.

This is the second time the doctor (a different doctor at that) has had difficulty finding the baby's heartbeat. I fear because I know how fragile life is, and I know that ALL life is in God's hands. I know the baby is not mine, but in my selfishness I want it. I think that's the way God wants it (He gives us children as His blessing so who am I to not want it?) Again, the loss of a child through miscarriage or death brings grief of not only the child, but also the dreams that accompany it. It truly is a heartbreaking experience, but God is faithful to His children. It is through my pain that I grow to be more like Jesus, and that is a good thing. So although the appointment didn't go as I had planned, it went perfectly according to God's plan.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise." ~Isaiah 43:18-21