It's been a while since I found time to post on here. Life has been busy (especially during baseball season) and now that we are full-swing into summer, time is again passing quickly as our days are filled with enjoying the sun!
This post is not a typical recap of our household life, but instead is dedicated to the Lord's working in my life. I've wanted to share this for a while (since April), but I'm glad I waited because the Lord has continued to work. My pastor's message on resting in God prompted me to write this because I have found that in order to fully rest in God, you have to trust in what He's done for you. Here's what I mean...
I found myself (questioning) doubting God's goodness to me. I thought the bad things I had done (major yelling at my kids, lack of patience with them, unrighteous anger) caused me to lose favor in the Lord's eyes, and His way of "correcting" me was to suffer the loss of the twin and live with that loss forever. Even though I kept reading my bible and thinking about verses dealing with the goodness of the Lord, I still did not fully believe them (and the way I knew I didn't was when I found out an acquaintance was pregnant with twins last year. I had a difficult time being happy for her and the anger in my own heart grew). I kept reading my bible, praying for the Lord to give me peace about the twin but I still could not find it.
In April, I went to the Wilds. The morning I was to leave, I received a phone call from a good friend of mine. She shared news with me that she was about 8 weeks pregnant again. With twins. My heart sank to my stomach and I felt sick. Tears streamed down my face as I listened to her share her exciting story of finding out that she not only was pregnant, but pregnant with identical twins. It was a difficult phone call because I knew as her friend I should be elated for her and share in her joy, but in my humanness I was heartbroken and even a little jealous. My thoughts once again began to question God as to why He would not allow me to experience twins. Needless to say, my heart was heavy as I traveled to the Wilds that weekend. Looking back, I see God knew what He was doing.
The theme of the speaker's messages at the Wilds that weekend was God's love. She pointed out that when we go through difficult trials and find ourselves inadequate, that is when we should turn to the cross and SEE God's love for us. She spoke from Ephesians 2 and although I have read the book of Ephesians many times, it was like the words were jumping off the page at me. Verse 4, "because of His great love with which He loved us" verse 10, "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works…" verses 13-14a , "But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.For He Himself is our peace…" and 1 John 3:16 "By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us."
As I read the verses, the truth behind them hit me hard in the face! Tears again streamed down my face as the reality of my sin was uncovered: by doubting God's love I was minimizing Jesus' death on the cross! The cross is more than salvation, it's for daily living! As I face trials and doubt begins to creep in, I must only look to what Christ did on the cross to remember His love for me! What an amazing thought! Such a simple truth with such a major impact- God loves me because He sent Jesus to suffer the cross.
The Lord worked in my heart in a mighty way during my stay at the Wilds that weekend. But, He wasn't (and isn't) done. Two weeks later, TJ and the boys traveled to the Father/Son campout at the Wilds and heard a male speaker. The text of his messages: Ephesians 2. A few weeks later, I was approached by a friend about joining a weekly bible study she was planning to do with some coworkers on, yes, Ephesians! Obviously the Lord has a plan for me that involves the book of Ephesians. The more I learn about God's love (and ultimately His goodness because of His love), the more I want to know.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know it’s lengthy but it’s exciting to me to see how the Lord is working in my own heart after I’ve struggled for almost 3 years to accept God’s will for my life in this area.