Thursday, September 24, 2009

Grief and a Blessing

I do better with writing than I do with talking, especially when it comes to not-so-good news. I could never call each individual person, especially through the tears. I had my regular doctor’s appointment today. They did an ultrasound, and prior to that the doctor and I were talking about the last u/s. She was encouraged by the shape of the egg sacs and was very optimistic about the outcome of today’s u/s. However, much to our surprise, one of the babies has died. I’m not sure when as it is simply gone, like it never existed. It’s a phenomenon called “Vanishing Twin” and rather than having a miscarriage, the mother’s body absorbs it. The other baby looks great and the heartbeat is still nice and strong. A blessing in this tragedy.

I am in a state of shock. I still can’t believe it. I feel like a part of me is missing- I can’t really explain it. I am grieving, but how do I grieve a baby I never met? I suppose I am grieving shattered dreams. Although I knew it was going to be difficult, I was so excited and anticipating their arrival. I had been thinking of names and looking forward to this new chapter in my life. This pregnancy has been a rollercoaster since it began, and I just can’t help but wish the crazy ride would end. Don’t get me wrong, I do not doubt God’s sovereignty in this situation, but in my human mind I don’t understand it. I may never understand it as painful as it is.

We have not told the kids yet. I never realized until today how excited they are, too. In the car driving to pick up soccer uniforms, I could hear the boys in the back talking about seat assignments when we get our bigger vehicle and the babies arrive. I had to fight back the urge to cry! They are going to be devastated and I pray that, as much as possible, they are able to understand what happened. We are going to keep it simple and tell them the baby died and is living with Jesus now. The baby will not have to suffer any pains on this earth as he/she was able to go right away to Jesus. That is a truth I have been telling myself since I saw the u/s. I know it’s true, but it still hurts.

I also wonder if this baby will instinctively know it was a twin. Oh well, it doesn’t matter now anyway.

This baby’s birth will be so very bittersweet for me, I know it already. I am thankful I am in such a supportive church and have such supportive friends who can relate to this loss because of miscarriage. I also know the wonderful work the Lord did in my life with my last miscarriage, and once the pain of this raw wound heals, I know He will do another great work through this trial. Please pray for our family as we grieve the loss of our precious baby.

*Job 23:10- “But He knoweth the way that I take: when He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.”