Thursday, July 30, 2009

My news

*Disclaimer: Before I proceed in writing this post, please know, if you are reading this, you are a dear friend of mine. However, for various reasons, what I am about to share, I chose not to share “in person” simply because I have not seen you nor felt it was the right time to share. *

I found out about 10 days ago that I am pregnant again. Although this baby was not expected and measures were in place to prevent this, the Lord planned it and has given him/her to me for a purpose. I will shamefully admit that I was not thrilled with the news or the reality of the situation; however, after much thought, prayer, and meditation on scripture, my attitude and beliefs are more firmly planted in the truth of God’s Word and His promises. “Children are a gift from the Lord. . .”, “My thoughts are not God’s thoughts. . . “, “God know the plans He has for me. . .”

Based on my cycle, which is irregular because I am still nursing Teagan, I am almost 10 weeks and due 2/25. The taking of the pregnancy test was merely to prove TJ wrong; with the exception of fatigue, I have not been feeling any pregnancy symptoms. Moreover, I had an ultrasound yesterday morning and the outcome was not as I expected (God is showing me, once again, that He is in control of ALL things). The baby was only measuring about 4 ½ weeks with no detectable heartbeat. There are 2 possibilities: either my dates are off because of my irregular cycle, or the baby stopped developing at 4 ½ weeks as was the case a few years back when I miscarried.

My immediate reaction to the second possibility was acceptance. That may seem crazy, but I had a peace in knowing that God is in control and whatever happens, it is part of His plan for my life. My prayer became such that, if God’s will was not for me to carry this baby to term, that He allow the miscarriage to happen before Saturday, which is when TJ and I leave to cruise to Bermuda. But, when I began to have mild cramping today, I immediately thought the worst and got emotional. Poor TJ didn’t know what to do so he simply prayed for me! It was sweet and heartfelt, a true comfort to me. The cramping has subsided and, after talking to a wonderful friend this afternoon, I am feeling a little better both physically and emotionally. My friend was reassuring in that she said she experienced cramping in all of her pregnancies and that because of my “heightened” emotional state, I was assuming the worst was happening. I also began to blame myself (since I wasn’t excited about the baby at first) but I quickly changed my thoughts to reflect God’s truths (God only wants what is good for me and it is my job to only think on things that are true, praiseworthy, etc. as listed in Phil. 4:8). That helped, but mostly since the cramping is subsiding and I am not showing signs of spotting, I am feeling back to “normal.”

I will follow up with the doctor when we return to the States in about 10 more days. Until that time, please pray for the health of this baby and for my emotions as I go through this “unknown” time. Pray for my continued strength and dependence on the Lord. Now that I have reached the acceptance point of the pregnancy, I would be very sad at the loss of another child, and I know TJ and the other children would be, as well. We have already begun talks of room changes, car seat rearrangements, and high chair assignments. I dread having to explain the death of a baby to my boys if that should happen.

*Isaiah 55:8, Romans 8:28-29, Psalm 127:3-5, Jeremiah 29:11, Philippians 4:6-9; 13*