Saturday, November 21, 2009

Thankful

I have gone through a gamut of emotions as a result of the death of Twin A. However, I can honestly say that I have learned more about the Lord in the past 2 months than I have over the course of the past several years. It has been a difficult journey for our family as we were all excited about the arrival of the babies, but the good news is that God is faithful and will never leave us nor forsake us, especially when times are tough and life seems to be at its worst. The Lord has shown me that He is good and what He does is good, and it was good for me to experience this trial. It was created just for me and the Lord will see me through it. I have difficulty trusting others and the one major thing I have learned is that God is trustworthy. There was a point where I did not think so, but when I read my Bible and realized that the only other option was to not trust God, than I really had no choice. If I do not trust God, than I either trust in myself or in someone else. I have been let down by myself and others in the past, and I know I will again in the future; trusting solely in myself or another is hopeless. But, to trust in God, the One who never fails, that is where my hope lies. God was faithful in the past, He is faithful now, and He will be faithful in the future. God is not the one who changes, I do. Once I grasped that simple fact I was able to stop the negative thinking and focus on the truths of God’s Word (and there are so many truths that I have learned!). I have daily been reading and meditating on Psalm 34, particularly verses 4, 8, 10, 15, 17-19, 22. Now that my heart is tender to the Lord, the Bible speaks to me more now than it has in a long, long time. It seems the Lord is bringing verse after verse that talks of His goodness and faithfulness; just what I needed and when I needed it!

I am now at the point where I can say I am thankful to have gone through this experience as difficult as it was. Sure, I would have loved to have had twins, but I grew closer in my walk with the Lord as a result of Twin A’s death. This closeness may not have been possible had I not experienced the death of a baby while in the second trimester of pregnancy. Our family is also closer as a result. We rallied around together in prayer because we were our only sources of comfort other than the Lord. Granted, I know others who have shared in this type of loss but the circumstances were different. This made it more difficult, particularly in explaining things to my boys. But again, God’s grace was sufficient and He gave TJ and I the words to say and the tears to cry to show our faith and our God-given emotions. We are not robots and we choose to obey God; we honor the Lord when we do and our children are able to learn from our example. Another blessing that has come from this experience is that we will home school beginning next school year. The Lord used my tender (and aching!) heart to show me where I needed to change to be a better mother to my children. Again the Lord has met our needs by surrounding us with families in our church who home school, making the transition much easier and providing us with the support we need. We are so thankful for our church family!

The holidays are always difficult as I reflect upon the “what might have beens” in my life, particularly concerning my angel children, and this holiday season is no different. But, I also remember that God’s perfect will is much better than anything I could ever want or desire, and so I am thankful for the family He has blessed me with: a loving, God-fearing husband and 4 ½ wonderful children who are growing in the grace and knowledge of the Lord- what more could I ask for?

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