Friday, November 27, 2009

Thankful, again!

Tomorrow is the big day! My mom and sis have been planning this baby shower since mid-August. I am excited as I haven't received any new "baby gear" since Th's birth over 7 years ago. May not seem like a long time ago but considering my stuff has gone through 4 children, it's definitely worn and seen better days. :)

I am not as excited about finding out what I'm having as I thought I would be. It's not that I'm not excited, but part of me feels like I am having a girl and Twin A was a boy. I will never know for sure until I reach Heaven, but it's a feeling I've had since I found out about the twins. I suppose a part of me is thinking that by finding out the gender of the other, I am confirming my suspicions. Does that make sense?

Regardless, I am happy and thankful that I am now able to feel the baby move, helping to lessen my fears with each kick. I have been feeling movement for a few weeks, but as I get further along, the movements are more frequent and stronger. A good sign that all is well. :)

My pastor asked me to share a testimony of my trial last Sunday evening at church. I basically shared what was written in my last post, although since it was spur of the moment, I don't know how in-depth I shared. I know I at least got the gist of my message shared, but I still get emotional when I talk about the twins so I also teared up a few times.

The Lord is already using my pain to bring comfort to others. This past Monday, a friend of mine who is pregnant went to the doctor for her monthly check. She, like me, was alone at the appointment because everything had been going well. The baby had a heartbeat and she had had a few ultrasounds so she knew so far the pregnancy was progressing well. That is, until she went to the doctor that day. My heart aches for her and I get teary-eyed thinking about it because our circumstances are so similar. The doctor could not detect a heartbeat and the u/s did not show any movement. She went in to the visit excited and thrilled to see her baby again, and left heartbroken and confused and grieving- again. Like me, she has experienced the pain of miscarriage before and like me, agrees it does not get any easier.

I can see the Lord's hand in this situation, particularly in regards to my children. You see, my friend has a son who is a year younger than Th. She told me that her son is not handling the news very well and is very distraught. As sad and painful as this miscarriage has been for me, I am soooooo thankful for going through it in the way that I did. Th can now minister to his friend because of his experience. When I told him what happened, he immediately prayed for my friend and her son, and what a blessing it will be for them to talk about their feelings and connect on that level. I was also thinking how glad I am that my boys have experienced this in terms of the future. They will be able to draw upon their memories of the trial as an adult and, if needed, be a comfort to their future wives. They will hopefully remember this experience and the sadness and joy that accompanied it and use it to honor the Lord by comforting others. I promise you, the loneliness of experiencing painful trials like the death of a child sometimes hurt worse than the experience itself. Knowing others who have gone through it make it so much more bearable. When I called my friend to offer my condolences her first words were, "I was thinking of you the entire time. I know what you went through and I am glad you know what I am going through. It's so hard and it hurts so bad." Yes, it does hurt so bad but I reminded her that God is good and will use this for His glory. Through our tears we reflected upon the joy that we both have children sitting in the arms of our Comfort, our Savior, Jesus Christ.

*Once again, I am thankful for the trial of losing Twin A.

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