Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Still so Sad

Wondering if the sadness will end. I think sometimes I fool myself into believing I am better, moving on and getting past the rawness of the truth of the situation. But then comes the night, and I am faced with my thoughts and my God. I am going to be completely honest here, because I haven't been. I've been fooling myself so that my thoughts don't stray too far off course. I am angry. I am hurt. And I am so, so, so very sad.

It seems like now I see mothers of twins everywhere (or perhaps I am just noticing more, I don't know). And it's not fair. I know, I know. I tell my kids all the time life is not fair. But, really, it isn't fair. Why do some people get to carry and deliver healthy, happy babies while others, like me, do not? And why does it have to happen more than once? I know God is good and worthy to be praised in all things, but I am struggling right now. I am seriously struggling. I am battling anger and doubt towards God in so many ways. It's hard to trust Him right now when, in my current circumstances, He allowed this to happen.

You know, it's "ironic" how things happen (I use quotation marks because nothing happens by chance, it's all God). I have started participating in my church's Ladie's Bible Study again. I haven't been able to the past couple of years because of my school schedule, but now that I am teaching part-time, I am able to attend. Anyway, we are studying women of the Bible. I have found, as a result of this study, that I am just like Sarah, Abraham's wife. The Lord told Sarah she would have a baby at the age of 90, and she laughed in disbelief. She looked around at her circumstances (women much past 40 have difficulty getting pregnant let alone an 89-year-old woman) and just could not imagine being a mom for the first time at such an old age. It took trust and faith in God for her to realize that He truly was going to fulfill His promise to them. Now, God has not given me divine revelation as to what He is doing in my life through this, which is why it is so difficult for me right now. I am having trouble looking past the pain and anguish in my heart in order to fully trust Him.

My u/s is in 35 hours. I have been praying for the past month that the first u/s was wrong and that both babies are alive and well. I cry each time I think of it because I know deep down that won't be the case, and I am disappointed and angry (why didn't God answer my prayer?) and guilt-ridden for having these feelings. Job questioned the Lord when he endured the Lord's testing, and he confessed his sin and was able to understand that some things we may never know. I say I get that, but my prayers don't reflect that. I cry out to God each and every night. The past few nights my tears and quivered breath have awaken TJ out of his sleep. I want so badly to see two babies on Thursday morning. I want so badly to hold two babies when I deliver in March. I want so badly, but it's just not meant to be. . . at least for me. And that sucks.

3 Shared with Me:

Elaine said...

You are right when you say that most do not understand.....we do however pray for you....that you may accept God's Will (with a heavy heart) and rejoice in His blessings. This verse always comes to my mind when challenged....Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Let Him.

And along comes three... said...

So sorry that you're having to go through all of this! I'll be thinking of you on Thursday and praying that you find some comfort and peace...

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I will continue to pray for you and I pray the ultrasound goes well on Thursday.