Sunday, October 4, 2009

Not much to say. Still grieving and don't expect anyone who has never experienced this type of loss to understand. This is even new for me! With my first miscarriage, once I went to the doctor and found out what happened, I was able to deal with the grief on my own. In this situation, because I am still pregnant, I am constantly reminded of it. I have to go back to the doctor on Thursday and re-live my last appointment all over again. I guess in some ways I am hoping the doctor was wrong and will receive news that all is well (which is why I haven't updated my sidebar). I keep praying that's the case as I am so saddened by this loss. It's so difficult to explain and like I said, if you've never gone through this, you can't even begin to imagine what it's like.

The death of a child (and yes, that's what it was!) is something no one expects to deal with. Most expect to bury their parents and grandparents, but not their child. I also feel betrayed by my body. I had no signs: no bleeding, cramping, spotting, nothing to make me suspect something was wrong. I was elated when I entered the doctor's office that day knowing I was going to see my babies again. I left crushed and heartbroken, again difficult to imagine if you've never been there.

I have also been struggling with understanding why, even though I know I will never know the answer, at least while on this Earth. But, nonetheless, I have been searching Scriptures looking for an answer. Psa. 37:4- "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." Prov. 10:24- "What the wicked dreads will overtake him; what the righteous desire will be granted." If that's the case, then what happened? Why wasn't my desire fulfilled? Do I have another desire that I don't even know about yet? I have been praying that the Lord would give me some understanding and peace about the situation. Not knowing what happened causes me to worry about this baby, too. Since there were no signs with the first, will there be signs if something happens to this one? I don't know, and it scares me. I also (selfishly) keep thinking, "I've already been through this once before, why do I have to go through it again?" But, then I am reminded that, as a Christian, shall I not take the bad with the good? Surely not! I just know upon my entrance to Heaven all of my joy shall be restored and I will meet and hold my precious children who are waiting for me.

Until then, I think about them and miss them and care for their siblings to the best of my ability. I rest in God's protection and trust in Him, thankful for His mercy and grace that He daily provides.

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