Saturday, October 10, 2009

16 weeks

I can't believe I am 4 m0nths pregnant today. When I found out about the twins, I was expecting to be big from the start. Things started out that way (I was in maternity clothes by week 9) but they seem to have leveled out. I haven't gained any weight and have actually lost a couple of pounds. I'm eating, but obviously burning everything I consume. I mostly attribute it to being busy and caring for my other children, although grief has shared in part.

I went back to the doc for blood work (genetic testing) on Thursday. It was difficult to walk into the office. The front office staff immediately inquired about how I was doing and that was nice, but I of course teared up. I had to keep my composure, though, because I had my 3 little ones with me. I didn't want to start crying in front of them. T.G. saw me cry one time and since then, she is constantly asking me if I am sad. I didn't see the doc but I go back in 2 weeks for my u/s. I have mixed feelings about that appointment and am so grateful TJ will be there with me for it. I can't bear to have another u/s and find out more bad news when I am alone. It was so difficult when I found out about the baby that day (already 2 weeks ago). I could barely walk I was so upset and I had to check out and then drive myself home. I was crying so hard I could hardly see the road. The Lord obviously protected me on that drive!

Tonight at prayer time Th started us out as he always does. It was so sweet and thoughtful, a true reflection of his personality: "Dear God, be with Brandon (boy in our church who has cancer) and help his hair not to fall out. If it did already, help it to grow back quickly so his head doesn't get cold. Also help Mommy's baby not to die because I really want to see it. . ." I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry!

On a different note, we are in the process of having Teagan evaluated for speech therapy. She is not saying much, only "Ma ma" but not in a meaningful way. She says it in babbling. She also says "ba", but it, too, is not attached to any meaning. When I took her to her well-check, the pediatrician recommended she go ahead and get evaluated now rather than waiting. I told him Ta didn't talk until he was almost 2. He said since Teagan has had delays in other areas she more than likely has a speech delay, as well. Crystal, our EI, is in the process of contacting a fabulous S/LP who works with my friend's daughter. I am hoping she is available to come to our house as our schedule stays pretty full.

Well, I guess that's about it. Trying to focus on the Lord and His blessings in my life rather than the "what ifs" and "should have beens" that I can't change. Each day, each moment rather, is a choice I have to make and sometimes I do good and sometimes I don't. I am thankful for the Lord's patience and mercy and grace with me as I endure this trial. I know I am not alone in this type of situation but often times it feels like it. I am learning to trust God's truths more as a result of this trial, and I will come through this stronger and better able to minister to others. For now, my heart is open and tender to the Lord and His work in my life.

Praying for brighter days ahead. . .

* "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." ~ Philippians 1:21

1 Shared with Me:

Martha Compton said...

You HAVE to get Crystal to hook you up with Susan for speech. She is amazing.