Sunday, March 2, 2008

Today Was a Bad Day

Kiana had a bad day today. She was doing so well; TJ had her out yesterday playing with her ball. Have I mentioned how much she loves her ball? It's a big, red ball, and she can barely fit it in her mouth. She has to open her mouth really wide to get it in there, and it's all scratchy and rough from her teeth marks, but she loves it! We've bought tons of tennis balls hoping to get her "hooked" on those, but she prefers the big, red ball and leaves the tennis balls for Jenna to unpeel and break apart.

Anyway, she was really playful yesterday morning and spent a good bit of the morning outside with TJ and the boys. I guess she overdid it because yesterday afternoon and all day today she's barely moved. Of course now I worry if the cancer is eating her alive (and I don't even know if it is cancer yet) so I make sure I give her plenty of hugs and kisses before I leave or go to bed at night; I don't know if she'll be alive when I see her next. I know that sounds really morbid, but that's how my mind works- pessimistic.

I guess I thought I'd have my "old" Kiana back based on how good she was doing late last week. I was only fooling myself by thinking if she stayed medicated, she'd be okay. That's not the case. Jenna is back to staying away from her, and Kiana is back to just lying on the couch. I am having a birthday party on Saturday for Ta and I don't know what to do about Kiana. I hate to have her locked up but I know some kids are scared of dogs. She used to bark and look really viscous, but now she barely musters up enough energy to raise her head off the pillow. Hopefully it will be nice outside for the party and we can keep her out there with us, just away from the people.

I just feel guilty for all the times I got frustrated with her for wanting to play ball with me; I’d give anything to have that Kiana back. I guess that’s the lesson one learns when a family member (yes, she is a family member) goes through something like this. I have realized all the ways I’ve taken her for granted, or treated her unkindly, etc. I also don’t think this is a lesson one can learn any other way. Let’s relate it to people. How many times have you heard, “Kiss your loved ones” and “Always say ‘I love you’” to those you hold dear? I know I have heard it several hundreds of times, yet I still get frustrated and angry and upset and hurt feelings and everything else that goes with being a human. Until I actually experienced this situation, the thought of losing a loved one (pets included) was pretty distant in my mind. Now, it’s pretty much on my mind all day long. Those who have lost really close family members or pets will understand what I mean. This is a lesson God teaches on an individual basis, not like some other lessons that we can learn from examples of what not to do. So, I am learning my lesson on being kind to others and wishing I had learned it earlier in life.

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