A Lifetime of Love

Taylor Ann is five months old today. She is getting so big so quickly! She, like her sisters, sucks her left thumb. I don't know what it is about that left thumb, but it must taste extra-special for all 3 of them to do it! She is also rolling from side-to-side now that she has discovered her feet. I must say, I just love this age! She is, for the most part, a very content baby who greatly enjoys watching the others play around her. T.G. just simply adores her and affectionately calls her, "That baby." Ironically enough, today is also the one-year mark that I found out I was pregnant with twins. I have very mixed emotions today. I am sooo thankful to have this beautiful, healthy, happy baby girl but I am saddened by the fact that her twin is not on this earth with us. I still look at the ultrasound picture and remember the shock and disbelief of it all. My, how my life has changed in a year! God has been so good and gracious to me, but in getting to this high-point in my...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010. The day God chose for Taylor Ann to make her debut into the world. I started to have contractions just as preschool dismissal began, around noon. They weren’t very close, happening only about once every 10-15 minutes or so. Once I got home, I told TJ I wasn’t feeling well. He offered to take the afternoon off but since the contractions weren’t unbearable or close together, I assured him it was okay to go back to work and I would call him around 4pm to give him an update. Plus, Teagan has therapy on Wednesday so her EI, Crystal, would be here with me for an hour if something drastically changed and I needed to go to the hospital. He agreed and off he went! During Teagan’s therapy, I mainly sat on the couch and relaxed because I just did not feel well. Every movement caused me to have a contraction and as anyone who has had children knows, they are painful! =) Crystal left about 2:30 and I loaded the kids up in the van and we picked up Th from school, returning...

Life Beautiful by Margaret McSweeney During a quiet moment after Thanksgiving, I started reading my parents' stack of love letters that I recently found in a storage box. As a Christmas gift to you, I would like to share my father's words to my mother written to her during Christmas 1949. This incredible "hug from heaven" has been a tangible affirmation that Pearl Girls has true meaning and great worth for women throughout the world. I pray that God will continue to bless this ministry and outreach. May we all realize that the grit in our lives can be transformed into grace through the love of God. This is what I found written on a tiny folded card inscribed with "Christmas Greetings" on the front: Christmas 1949 My Dearest Carolyn, Truly a jewel is a thing of beauty, but a life that is lived to serve others and to glorify our Christ, such as yours, is my dearest, a far surpassing gem in radiance and beauty. Pearls to me, symbolize this "Life Beautifu...

A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. ~Psalm 23 ********************************************************** I have been thinking about Twin A a lot this past week. I don’t know why, but I have been. And I still get sad and cry, mourning the little life that once was. This morning, in my daily bible reading, I read this passage. It is a very familiar passage as I’ve read it numerous other times. But, for some reason, today I really too...

For those who don’t already know, last Saturday we found out we are expecting another girl. TJ picked the name Taylor, and her middle name will be Ann, after my feisty 95-year-old Italian grandmother. Personally I was hoping for a boy simply since my last two children have been girls, but the important thing is that she is healthy and seems to be doing well. I go back to the doctor in about 2 weeks, but I can feel her kicking and moving around so that is very reassuring in terms of her well-being. I still think Twin A was a boy and it’s funny because when the boys talk about Twin A, they also refer to “him”, too. The Christmas season is upon us in full-force! At preschool we are busy decorating ornaments and other gifts for the children to give to their parents, practicing songs for our Christmas performance on the last day of school, and I am implementing cookie baking/decorating as part of the children’s learning the final few days of preschool. At home we are still trying to find a ...

Tomorrow is the big day! My mom and sis have been planning this baby shower since mid-August. I am excited as I haven't received any new "baby gear" since Th's birth over 7 years ago. May not seem like a long time ago but considering my stuff has gone through 4 children, it's definitely worn and seen better days. :) I am not as excited about finding out what I'm having as I thought I would be. It's not that I'm not excited, but part of me feels like I am having a girl and Twin A was a boy. I will never know for sure until I reach Heaven, but it's a feeling I've had since I found out about the twins. I suppose a part of me is thinking that by finding out the gender of the other, I am confirming my suspicions. Does that make sense? Regardless, I am happy and thankful that I am now able to feel the baby move, helping to lessen my fears with each kick. I have been feeling movement for a few weeks, but as I get further along, the movements are more ...

I have gone through a gamut of emotions as a result of the death of Twin A. However, I can honestly say that I have learned more about the Lord in the past 2 months than I have over the course of the past several years. It has been a difficult journey for our family as we were all excited about the arrival of the babies, but the good news is that God is faithful and will never leave us nor forsake us, especially when times are tough and life seems to be at its worst. The Lord has shown me that He is good and what He does is good, and it was good for me to experience this trial. It was created just for me and the Lord will see me through it. I have difficulty trusting others and the one major thing I have learned is that God is trustworthy. There was a point where I did not think so, but when I read my Bible and realized that the only other option was to not trust God, than I really had no choice. If I do not trust God, than I either trust in myself or in someone else. I have been let d...

I found this poem and it has become my prayer. I pray, as I continue to face this trial, that I would reflect Jesus in all I do and say. **************************************************** Teach My Heart By: Priscilla Marsceau Dear Lord, give me a song That lasts into dawn; Teach my heart to sing in the night. Help me place in Your hands Broken dreams, shattered plans; On my knees, may I sing of Your might. Take my heart’s deep despair, Every burden and care; Touch my life, let it reflect Your light, So that others may see I trust only in Thee- Teach my heart, Lord, to sing in the night. ~ At the end of the day When I’d lose my way, Teach my heart to sing in the night. In a prison of pain, When my strength would wane, On my knees, may I sing of Your might. When my pride would bring shame And reproach to Your name, Touch my life, let it reflect Your light, So that others may see Only Jesus, not me. Teach my heart, Lord, to sing in the night.

The u/s went well this morning, although it didn't start off that way. The technician wasn't sure if she'd be able to see all she needed to see because I am not quite 18 weeks (I will be on Saturday). But, thankfully for me, the baby is measuring a little big so she was able to get the measurements she needed. Anatomically speaking, all the critical organs are developed and functioning as they should. Also, the cord is a 3-vessel cord and the placenta is located high up. The only concern is that the baby is breech, but there is still plenty of time for it to turn itself around. TJ and I do not know what we are having as of yet. The technician wrote it down and included pictures from the u/s and sealed them in an envelope addressed to my mom. We will find out in about a month what we are having. We are excited to be doing it this way and are looking forward to the surprise. TJ picked the girl's name, and if the baby is a girl she will be named Taylor Ann. I picked the ...

Wondering if the sadness will end. I think sometimes I fool myself into believing I am better, moving on and getting past the rawness of the truth of the situation. But then comes the night, and I am faced with my thoughts and my God. I am going to be completely honest here, because I haven't been. I've been fooling myself so that my thoughts don't stray too far off course. I am angry. I am hurt. And I am so, so, so very sad. It seems like now I see mothers of twins everywhere (or perhaps I am just noticing more, I don't know). And it's not fair. I know, I know. I tell my kids all the time life is not fair. But, really, it isn't fair. Why do some people get to carry and deliver healthy, happy babies while others, like me, do not? And why does it have to happen more than once? I know God is good and worthy to be praised in all things, but I am struggling right now. I am seriously struggling. I am battling anger and doubt towards God in so many ways. It's hard...

Found this and it describes perfectly the emotions I am feeling. It's so hard. . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuiOdXC9aB4

I can't believe I am 4 m0 nths pregnant today. When I found out about the twins, I was expecting to be big from the start. Things started out that way (I was in maternity clothes by week 9) but they seem to have leveled out. I haven't gained any weight and have actually lost a couple of pounds. I'm eating, but obviously burning everything I consume. I mostly attribute it to being busy and caring for my other children, although grief has shared in part. I went back to the doc for blood work (genetic testing) on Thursday. It was difficult to walk into the office. The front office staff immediately inquired about how I was doing and that was nice, but I of course teared up. I had to keep my composure, though, because I had my 3 little ones with me. I didn't want to start crying in front of them. T.G. saw me cry one time and since then, she is constantly asking me if I am sad. I didn't see the doc but I go back in 2 weeks for my u/s. I have mixed feelings about that a...

Not much to say. Still grieving and don't expect anyone who has never experienced this type of loss to understand. This is even new for me! With my first miscarriage, once I went to the doctor and found out what happened, I was able to deal with the grief on my own. In this situation, because I am still pregnant, I am constantly reminded of it. I have to go back to the doctor on Thursday and re-live my last appointment all over again. I guess in some ways I am hoping the doctor was wrong and will receive news that all is well (which is why I haven't updated my sidebar). I keep praying that's the case as I am so saddened by this loss. It's so difficult to explain and like I said, if you've never gone through this, you can't even begin to imagine what it's like. The death of a child (and yes, that's what it was!) is something no one expects to deal with. Most expect to bury their parents and grandparents, but not their child. I also feel betrayed by my bod...

My heart is still hurting, a combination of our loss and the pain I see in my children, especially Th. He is my child who is very compassionate and tender-hearted and has taken the news harder than the others. I think it's because he's older and he understands more, and truthfully TJ and I underestimated his level of maturity and understanding. He teared up when we told the kids, but he was able to keep his composure and not let loose. But, he did immediately ask about the health and well-being of the other baby and wanted to know, "What if the other baby dies, too?" That took me by surprise as I was not prepared for that question. TJ handled it well and simply said, "Then we won't have any new babies and it will live with Jesus, too." But, I know the thought is weighing on his mind as his teacher told me last night on the phone that he told her what happened. I hate that he has become distracted by this news; I don't want the kids to worry so I am t...

It’s been an up-and-down kind of day for me. I did good for the most part, but I had my moments. I still haven’t fully accepted everything so I find myself studying the u/s picture searching for anything that remotely resembles a second baby. It’s not there, and it never will be. The pain of that reality still stings. Bad. I used to be a mother-of-multiples, now I'm not. How do I acknowledge this baby without acknowledging the other? With my last miscarriage I questioned everything: what did I do, how could I have prevented it, why did this happen. With this one, I am not questioning anything with the exception of one thing: I just want to know what went wrong. When I found out about the twins, both babies had good, strong heartbeats. The doctors never informed me of this “Vanishing Twin Syndrome” since both babies seemed to be doing well. A viable heartbeat reduced the risk of miscarriage (or VTS ) to less than 1 percent. I know I will never know until I get to heaven and can see ...

I do better with writing than I do with talking, especially when it comes to not-so-good news. I could never call each individual person, especially through the tears. I had my regular doctor’s appointment today. They did an ultrasound, and prior to that the doctor and I were talking about the last u/s. She was encouraged by the shape of the egg sacs and was very optimistic about the outcome of today’s u/s. However, much to our surprise, one of the babies has died. I’m not sure when as it is simply gone, like it never existed. It’s a phenomenon called “Vanishing Twin” and rather than having a miscarriage, the mother’s body absorbs it. The other baby looks great and the heartbeat is still nice and strong. A blessing in this tragedy. I am in a state of shock. I still can’t believe it. I feel like a part of me is missing- I can’t really explain it. I am grieving, but how do I grieve a baby I never met? I suppose I am grieving shattered dreams. Although I knew it was going to be difficult,...

My appointment went well and all looks good. I don't have to go back until the end of September, at which time I will have another u/s to count the number of placentas. The goal is for each baby to have his/her own and not a shared placenta. If they do share, then typically one baby gets more nutrients and grows at a more normal rate than the other. The delayed growth in the smaller baby is cause for concern, but we'll cross that bridge if/when we get there (doc's words, not mine). My goal (well, the doc's actually) for today's appointment was 2 separate egg sacks, which I have. At my next appointment, I will also schedule a level 2 u/s in Charlotte to ensure the babies are still looking good and to do some checking for genetic anomalies. I guess the risk is a little higher than with a "singleton" and it would not matter to TJ or I, but we'd rather know ahead of time for planning purposes. TJ and I sat and talked with the doc for a long time today (...

Well, I hate to admit it, but I had to do it. I had to make the switch from regular to maternity clothes. Compared to the other children this is really early, but already I have begun to show (as TJ so kindly pointed out to me today!) and feel HUGE for the babies’ gestational age (9 weeks today). I tried to wear my regular clothes but each day it became harder and harder to squeeze my belly into restrictive waistbands. It was nice to be able to breathe today! I guess I am a little upset because I worked really hard to lose weight for our cruise (which I did). As a reward, I bought some new outfits just before we left. I literally only wore them 2-3 times, some only once. Plus, I usually lose weight the first 3-4 months of pregnancy because of nausea; however, since I’m not feeling sick (for the most part), I have already gained 2 pounds. That’s not a good sign! Oh well, now I’ll have more incentive to lose the baby weight once I deliver so I can fit back into my semi-new clothes. On a ...

I am so cheesy! =) About 15 minutes away from my hometown (in Ohio) is Twinsburg. Every year the town celebrates "Twins Days" the first full weekend in August. It just dawned on me that next year I will get to attend as a participant, not just as a spectator. That is pretty neat as it is a big event and often receives national media coverage. The good thing is it won't cost us much considering we can stay with family and enjoy the festivities all weekend long. I am already excited and looking forward to it!