A Lifetime of Love

This week brought about a major life event, and truthfully I am still processing it.  My oldest child, Thomas, graduated from high school. He is officially an adult. My parenting journey with him is finished. At this point, I can only offer him advice.  He is fully responsible for the choices he makes, as well as the consequences.   18 summers. That is what we, as parents, are given to influence, mold, discipline, and train our children so that when the time comes, they are responsible, contributing members of society. It is an arduous task that at times seemed not worth the effort. But, looking back, there really isn’t much I would do differently except perhaps cherish the time we had together. While the days were so, so long, the time has passed quickly! I look back at old photos and the memories they invoke seems like they happened just yesterday. Homeschooling Thomas afforded me the gift of time with him, and if nothing else, that alone made the stresses of...

Full acceptance hit this week. I didn’t cry (very much) and I didn’t get sad; rather, I just reached the point of acceptance. Acceptance that I am not returning to school this year, and neither are my kids. Acceptance that we will be social distancing for a long time. Acceptance that this is our new normal, and our previous normal will never return. I have come to realize that acceptance is a good thing. Acceptance brought peace and calm. It also gave me time to reflect, analyze, and think about changes I want to bring about in my life as a mom, teacher, and friend. I was able to go back and look through photos of my year in my classroom, and seeing my little people brought some BIG smiles; we had such a fun year! Acceptance also forced me to realize that there is no better time than now to pursue my goals. I want to be the best teacher I can, and in order to be that, I need to know more. When you know better, you do better. I enjoy school and learning, and I try to take advan...

*Sigh* This week has been mentally challenging. I was officially laid off from my teaching position and began the steps to file for unemployment. That was heartbreaking, and it has nothing to do with money. When I was still being paid, it gave me hope that we might return to school before the end of the school year. However, the moment I received the news, my bubble was burst. On Wednesday afternoon, the governor announced that no one would be returning back to school before the end of the year. That was expected, but again, knowing what my children are feeling makes it difficult to accept. I have been thinking about this a lot, and it seems to me like we are going through the stages of grief (all over again). I definitely had denial (no, school won't be canceled), anger (why can't we just stay until Spring Break), bargaining (we can at least go back for a day to see friends and say our goodbyes), depression (been in this stage far too long), and now acceptance. I get...

Phew! This week was hard for so many reasons, especially since we are coming off Spring Break, but the reason that stands out the most is simply me missing my "old" life- the life prior to social distancing and coronavirus- and the many things (and people) I took for granted.  I walked a lot this week, which was good because it gave me time to clear my head and focus on the beauty of the world around me. A really bad storm passed through parts of the city late Sunday night, and when I walked early Tuesday morning, the devastation seemed just as bad as it had the day before. But, there were so many beautiful parallels to what we, the world, are experiencing that it sort of took my breath away.  Huge trees were uprooted or even split and broken in half. Branches and leaves were everywhere, covering the roads and yards. Power lines were down and some parts of the city were without for several days. As I walked and saw the devastation, I also saw the flowers which continued t...

I am starting to feel think better again about the trials in my life the Lord has allowed. The more I read my bible, the more I begin to understand God's goodness. It occurred to me the other day that trials are like medicine: we may not like them at the time but they are ultimately for our good. God, as our Heavenly Father, knows this, even though we may not. The other lessons on God's goodness that I learned this past week include: God is good. He doesn't try to be good, He just is. When God allows a trial in our life, He is using it to conform us to His likeness (in this case, His goodness). God also allows trials in our lives so that others can witness His goodness in us (probably the most difficult for me to grasp). I am thankful I was (once again) reminded of these truths on God's goodness. Although I have read certain passages of scripture many times, the Lord uses different verses and even clusters of words to open my eyes to His truths. I had never thou...

I am writing this post because I hope it will encourage others. To be quite honest, I am about to reveal some of my innermost thoughts and feelings that I have been struggling with. I only recently shared them with TJ because of the shame I felt about having them, but my heart was hurting and I didn't like keeping them from him. I thought I was "over" my grief about losing the twin and accepted God's plan for my life, but upon finding out an acquaintance was pregnant with twins, my grief returned in full force. Instead of feeling joy for her, I was crying for myself. I found myself watching Annie, studying her and imagining what my life would be like if there were two of her running around. And the more I thought of this life, the angrier with God I became for not allowing me to have it. The anger grew into bitterness, and before I knew it, I found myself with my back turned to Him, not wanting to even consider His way for my life. I was no longer reading my bible,...