Monday, February 13, 2012

{Struggles}

I am writing this post because I hope it will encourage others. To be quite honest, I am about to reveal some of my innermost thoughts and feelings that I have been struggling with. I only recently shared them with TJ because of the shame I felt about having them, but my heart was hurting and I didn't like keeping them from him.

I thought I was "over" my grief about losing the twin and accepted God's plan for my life, but upon finding out an acquaintance was pregnant with twins, my grief returned in full force. Instead of feeling joy for her, I was crying for myself. I found myself watching Annie, studying her and imagining what my life would be like if there were two of her running around. And the more I thought of this life, the angrier with God I became for not allowing me to have it. The anger grew into bitterness, and before I knew it, I found myself with my back turned to Him, not wanting to even consider His way for my life. I was no longer reading my bible, doing devotions, or even wanting to pray. I was simply going to church and pretending I was okay, even though my heart was anything but.

I am still finding it difficult to accept not having twins, and often question "Why?", but I confessed my sins of anger, bitterness, and doubting God's goodness. I am reading through the Psalms, praying David's many prayers and pleading for the Lord to give me His mind. I know the simple answer is to stop focussing on myself and my situation and instead focus on the Lord, but you know what, that isn't always easy to do. My heart really hurts just as much now as it did then.

As He did a few months ago, the Lord is using others to encourage me. I heard a message by a man whose wife passed away from cancer in Sept. 2010. He shared how the Lord used Psalm 139 and Jer. 29:11 to help his hurting heart, and it was a reminder to me the God truly does have my best interest at heart. As the Jeremiah verse states, God is thinking thoughts of peace [for me and about me]. As the truth of that verse registered in my mind, I immedidiately teared up...tears of relief, tears of conviction because of my doubt, and tears of joy that God is patient and won't give up on me, even though I had given up on Him.

I am still working to sort out my feelings, and I know it begins with my thoughts. I have resolved to read my bible and counter the negative thoughts with truth from Scripture, especially Psa. 139, Isa. 61:1-3, and Jer. 29:11. Please pray for me as I continue to walk through this valley. I know that the Lord can use my pain for good, but it's a process and I'm not there yet.

Lamentations 3:23 says God's mercies are new every day, and for that I am thankful!

3 Shared with Me:

Chelsea Teeple said...

Praying you will have peace about this. Love you and miss you!

Dirt Lover said...

Found your blog from Range to Range. It touched me, as I am going through a valley myself, although with my husband not a baby. I wonder how a loving God can allow so much pain and suffering. I worry about a long life without my husband next to me. Everything from just not having him at dinner to the Grandkids he will never know. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts and viewpoint.
~~Lori

South Carolina Mom said...

Lori,

I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. They are not fun, but I think God allows them so that we turn to Him and grow as a result. I was doing my devotions the other morning and a thought occurred to me: difficulties (or trials) are like medicine. Kids don’t like to take it because it tastes yucky, but as a parent, we force it because it’s for their good. It’s the same thing with trials. God loves us and allows trials in our lives because they are ultimately for our good. We may not ever know why until we get to heaven, and that’s why faith is so important. We have to have faith that God truly has our best interest at heart. In the book of Matthew, Jesus and His disciples are in a boat when a storm comes. Jesus is asleep and His disciples start to panic. They wake up Jesus and Jesus immediately calms the storm. The disciples were with Jesus and going through a storm (although theirs was a physical storm with rain, thunder, and lightning, the word “storm” could also apply to a spiritual storm or trial). I guess what I’m saying is that, even the disciples had moments of fear and doubt when they were in Jesus’ presence. We just have to acknowledge and confess the fear, worry, doubt, etc, remember Who holds us, and trust that He will take care of us just like He did His disciples.
I’ll be praying for you…
~t.